Wednesday, April 26, 2017

tattoo













i started the tattoo back in december the week of our 19th anniversary and the one year mark of his death. they are the same week. i had been having lots of feelings about never wearing my wedding ring again and i was worrying a lot about forgetting owen. and i had also been having lots of feelings about how many times i have been cut and scarred at my oncology visits. i decided i would replace my wedding ring with a tattoo that meant the same thing to me. at the same time, be able to put a permanent mark on my body that i chose to put there. it wasn't imposed upon my in a medical office because, cancer. boy i miss having o at those visits to razz me when i get naked for the audience;)

i don't owe an explanation to anyone. i wanted to tell you about it. i love it. i am glad every time i look at it. my feelings are very complicated and frustrating. i'm just trying to honor what i am feeling and lean into it instead of trying to push it away. i'm trying to figure out who i am and what my purpose is without owen. i know i keep saying it, but it's a hell of a lot harder than it sounds.

i saw my oncologist a couple of weeks ago. i told him about my plans to move to new mexico this summer. he said he doesn't feel good about me transferring my care and wants me to continue coming to huntsman to see him because i am too complicated. so, i will be visiting salt lake a lot. that's okay, i can see my friends and run in my mountains.

so there's that.

xo,

cyr

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