Wednesday, March 29, 2017

taos + decisions

i woke up on march 16th and i had a meltdown. i threw my stuff in a bag, called angie and i got in the car and drove to taos. i stayed there until monday. i slept with angie. we ran. we hiked. we road. we watched movies. we went to yoga with weights and angie taught the class. she has been a rock for me.

i drove home on monday. well, i made it to price and slept at my parents house. i got up early and came back up to salt lake and went straight to work. when i walked in the door to my house on tuesday night...something was gone. it was like the place had physically and spiritually changed. it felt like the wind left my sails. aside from the night owen died, this was the worst of my life. i experienced types of nightmares that i can't tell you. it went on and on all night. my heart raced. i tried and tried to call out, but couldn't find my voice. i was sick and sweaty and every time i woke i was so scared and disoriented. i was in a very dark place and needed rescuing.

the next day i worked and ran errands and whatever. i could not go home. i called my mom. i called my friends jac and blake and went over for some help. then i talked to lehua and she met me outside my house when i pulled up at about 10:00. i went over to joey and lehua's and we had a good long discussion about my feelings and my options and then i slept there.

my friends blake and parker came over and we prayed over my home.

i spend lots of time with mark and elizabeth. they have been such good and supportive friends to me. i eat lots of delicious meals in their home.

i'm feeling the need to move on from here. i'm thinking it's time to sell this beautiful home o and made together. coming home to it every day is like reopening a wound over and over and over. i have to make a different life somewhere else somehow. coming to this realization is the first step. i am scared shit less, but i feel pretty strongly that it's time. i'm just not quite sure where or what yet though. i'm hoping as things start to move ahead and i start to take actions that a path will become clear to me and i will have to courage to take it.

i have to gain some sense of well being again or i am not going to survive this. i feel so horrible physically, mentally and emotionally despite taking care of myself better than anyone. things aren't right inside me and i have been having some new health issues:( bleh.

send me all of your good and positive vibes and your prayers. i gotta get it right. i need to feel happiness and health. i don't understand what i'm doing or where i'm going. i'm trying to be strong, but i'm in shambles on the inside.

i have to hope that i will figure this out and that i will somehow break through the dark and feel free and right again.

step 1: sell my house. i think?



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