Thursday, December 22, 2016

1 year

december 13th was the anniversary of o's death. it was a full moon. i cannot believe i have lived a year on this earth without him. i realize with him gone just how deep my love for him is.

i remember vividly some of the things that happened that day. his dilated pupils. the lack of light or life in his face and eyes. his pacing. how i was curled up in a ball on the bed crying. how he came up and leaned his head in the door way and told me he loved me for the last time. "i love you", were the last words owen spoke to me. hearing the piercing sound of the gun going off. trying desperately to open the bathroom door. screaming and crying and slamming my body into it. not being able to breath. standing in the middle of my front lawn with my head in my hands in shock not able to call 911. the sirens. seeing the shadow of his body behind the shower door when marv kicked the door in. the paramedics and other crew in my basement. i could hear them laughing and talking like it was just a normal day. their laughter. i still can't get over it. laying alone in the bed that night. the crushing feeling. the blessing my dad gave me. the glow outside. the snow. my walk over to lehua's in the middle of the night...

all of the neighbors had a dinner at the himalayan kitchen in honor of the day. they made tributes to me and to o and it was the best part of my day and a highlight of my year. they are my family and i love them with my whole heart. i would not have survived the last year without them. god put me at this address for a reason. and they are it. 

it is so hard to wrap my head around leaving him behind.

my life is different now. i am making as much progress as i can. i am certainly functioning a lot better than i was. i am doing the best i know how. it's been a year of change. a year of making decisions by myself that i wanted to make with him. a year of loneliness. a year of people loving me and supporting me. a year of my sisters being my very best friends in the entire world. a year of severe downs. a year of crying. a year of not being able to cry at the "appropriate" times. a year of going places and doing things. a year with silver linings. 

a year i survived. i'm hoping it will be the hardest year i will have to experience in my life. 

begin again

toodles for now lovers.



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