i am so sad tonight. sometimes i put on what was o's favorite hoodie and i sit in the shower in the basement and i ugly cry. and i let myself feel just how much everything is so unfair.
i don't sleep these days. no one sees how much i am hurting on the inside. nights are the worst and feel like they will never end. i still cry in bed every night.
i spent most of september clearing out all of the closets and storage spaces of my home. separating from some of the parts of my life with owen. now it's just parts of me in those spots. and i hate it. i hate it so much. it feels awful. it feels wrong to put what is left of him into plastic containers. i can't believe he doesn't live here anymore.
my life is about to change in a big way this week once again. it's a good change, but it is still hard for me to accept and i am feeling very anxious about being able to be a good sister and aunt when i feel so broken on the inside. i want them here more than anything. but to me, it feels like owen died yesterday. i still catch myself wanting to send him a text to tell him something.
he was in one of my dreams last night. we were talking about something and i can't remember what it was. it took me a minute after i woke up to realize it was owen i was talking to.
i walked around yesterday documenting what my house looks like right now. because when jules, carlee, dani and peter arrive...it becomes our house again. in a new way. this house will be one big, noisy, crazy ball of love. that's just what it needs right now. just what i need right now. well, and a job. i need a job too.
sweet dreams tonight.