Friday, July 29, 2016

f r i d a y + a song

grimes // go

things have been ridiculously hard for me the past few weeks. i had another night mare about 3 weeks ago about owen and woke up sobbing and i do NOT move on from that quickly. i will tell you that i wish to go to sleep at night and not wake up in the morning many, many, many nights. the pain and sadness are so intense and seem too heavy to bear. i don't feel like this is likely abnormal at this point. who's to say what's normal? i feel i've made some backwards progress lately for sure, but there really isn't much i can do about that that i'm not already doing.

i had terrible dreams last night. not about o. just really bad dreams. i was running and running and running to get away from people that wanted to hurt me and i was scared and in a scary place and couldn't get away. i kept waking up panting and sweating with no one to turn to. that is not a good feeling. if you want to put a positive spin on it, at least i can run in my dreams. and i was running fast and hopping fences. but, seriously...i came this close to making one of my neighbors come over in the middle of the night to stay with me.

right, so i am supposed to be in a boot or air cast and on crutches all the time for a month and then we reassess. what's going on? same shit different day. distal medial tibial stress syndrome with persistent intramedullary edema and frank fracture at this point. that part is good. this left leg of mine is the bane of my existence! i'm not even allowed to ride my bike for a bit. pretty much pool time only + some strength training. you know, if i have to give up running, fine. as long as i can go up and down big mountains i can be happy. 

i spent the long weekend at the cabin. kara, quinn and trevor came from st george and my parents were there. the weather was so perfect. we got together with kara's friends from colorado who were up at their cabin too. we went paddle boarding and kayaking. i just did the paddle boarding on my knees. we played some really fun games. watched some movies. there were horse shoes and bad mitten. starry skies and marshmallow roasting and s'more.

my friend jake and i went to dinner at provisions recently. it was fantastic. all of it. afterward we went and saw ghost busters and it was highly entertaining. it was a much needed good night and very cathartic to reminisce about o.

a while back justin and i grabbed dinner at sage's and went to hear toad the wet sprocket play. we had a good time. i had the kimchi tacos and they were delicious. although, the service and amount of waiting were way below par. i would venture to say the waiter was rude.

i finally made a big, scary life changing decision this week. it feels as if a 20 pound weight has been removed from around my neck. we will talk about that a bit later when it is made official. i am hoping it is a good decision and will help on my road to getting my mind right again.

a couple of weeks ago i was asked to be a leader of the youth girls in my church. crikey. i hope i am up for the challenge. they will have to be very patient with me and may second guess that decision!

i continue to be amazed at the patience people have with me right now. i'm not so patient with myself and get frustrated very easily.

angie is coming into town august 11th and we are heading with the camper to great basin national park for the weekend! she has never been. i am looking forward to it with muchness. hopefully it will really help me feel less depressed. and i hope the doctor will give me the okay to hike that weekend with my air cast on. fingers crossed. she is bringing the very best smoked salmon i have ever tasted from taos to take with us:)

my parents came up last night. my dad is working on some project around my house for the weekend. i am so thankful.

i talked quinn into playing bad mitten in his cowboy boots. turns out, those are some impressive boots.

my 20 year high school reunion is this weekend. i'm not attending. can't do it.

hope your weekend has some real good stuff in it. toodles for now.



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