Friday, May 20, 2016

blood and dreams

i had a great weekend up until sunday afternoon when i decided to go through the coat closet and clean out o's coats and jackets. and then, his motorcycle helmets. it was a downward spiral from there.

when my alarm went off tuesday morning at 5:30 for my run, i stayed in bed. my brain was foggy and i felt awful. i stayed there until the last possible minute and then i got up and went to work. by lunch time i felt i didn't have the energy or brain power to walk down the hall. i felt so bad. i went home and got in bed and fell asleep. i was asleep for a couple of hours, but it was torturous. i had a terrible dream the entire time. in my dream i finally realized that it was a dream and that i could wake up from it. i got up and didn't know what to do with myself.

i was standing in the middle of my bedroom crying and having some very dark thoughts when my doorbell rang. in the nick of time.

i went to the door and my friend jody and her little boy franti were there smiling:) franti asked me to come to his house and play. i walked down the street with them and played cars with franti on the living room floor and we went outside and played catch with the football.

you know how there are things that you see that are burned in your brain forever? the day after owen died i went down into my basement and next to sink on the counter by my washer and dryer was a big, dried blood stain. left over from the crew that came and did the cleaning the day he died. i told my parents and they went down and cleaned it up. i will never get that blood stain out of my head.

tuesday night i went to bed early because of how bad i was feeling. i tossed and turned. i dreamt of finding his blood in different places all night long. fresh blood, but he was nowhere to be found. blood on the wool rug in our bedroom. blood in the gutter on a street by my parents house. blood splattered on the wall in our house. it was terrible. i'm always looking for him, but can never find him. and then i have to get up and go to work and try to function normally and interact with patients and keep my emotions in check. i have been in tears 80% of the time this week. and if i'm not crying, i'm right on the verge. i break down over and over and over again.

i don't know what to do. i wish someone could tell me what to do. this week has been too much for me. i am so broken. a lot of days i wish i wouldn't wake up in the morning, just so i wouldn't have to hear all of the thoughts in my mind.

but here i am. i am trying my best.

good nite.



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