Sunday, February 14, 2016

i can't do this. i really don't think i can.

i hate going to work
i feel like i am suffocating
i hate being there
i hate constantly trying to be okay
i hate saying that i'm okay every time someone asks how i am doing
it is relentless
it feels like my insides are dead
i feel like i don't have any sympathy for anyone else or their problems
because they seem so trivial
and
i want to slap people when they complain
about anything
i hate that i feel this way

i hate being around people
i hate being alone
my existence feels useless and pointless

part of me wants to sell everything i own
and go away
start a whole new life
and part of me finds comfort in the life i know

i hate wondering where in the head owen shot himself
was it painful
or was he gone instantly
how long did he have the gun out before he walked to the bathroom
locked the door
pulled the trigger

i picture the look on his face
and it ruins me

i hate the agonizing dreams i have about him
they seem to last seconds
and he is always just out of reach
they are never pleasant
they are always painful

i hate looking in the mirror
i have never felt more hideous
i just want to scream
and disappear

it's too hard
i miss him too much
i feel weak and destroyed

these are my feelings right now. writing them down helps me. i am getting help.

xo,

cyr

1 comment:

  1. I can't think of anything to say that would help or matter. But I wanted you to know that I'm here, loving you and praying for you.

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