Friday, January 22, 2016

a few things + a song



i became sick after o passed away. it started as a sore throat, then a head cold and then it took up residence in my lungs and stayed for a long time. i went back to work on monday, january 4th and by wednesday afternoon i was really getting worse and my voice was gone. i couldn't swallow or stop coughing.  i missed worked that thrusday and friday and then i woke in the middle of the night that saturday with some pretty serious ear pain, sinus pain and my eyes were painful , goopy and red. ugh! anyway, i missed work monday and tuesday too. i went to my doctor and then to the eye doctor monday morning and ended up with a bad inner ear infection, sinus infection and some inflammation in the front of my eyes. started antibiotics and steroid eye drops. i finish up the antibiotics tomorrow. i'm pretty sure that what could have been a shitty cold, just made a party out of my run down sleep deprived body and decided to stay awhile and invite a few friends for drinks. i still can't hear out of my ear normal and it is buzzing like mad.

i was having a hard time being alone. i would get home from work and just go from room to room aimlessly crying. my mom stayed with me for a few days last week. she took good care of me. she went home saturday morning and my sister angie got here on saturday night. we went out for a bite and saw a movie. she is here with me until sunday. at which time, she will leave and i may self destruct.

my friend julia was visiting from new york city over the weekend for a uveitis conference in park city. we were able to get up there and have lunch with her at zoom. it was really really nice to catch up with her. she is one of my favorites.

i woke up sobbing sunday morning from a sad dream about owen. i couldn't stop crying for a couple of hours. i cried off and on all day and the dream disturbed me deeply. i tried to analyze it too much. it was too sad. i'm so glad angie was there and that i didn't wake up alone.

we went up mount olympus in our yak tracks in the snow monday morning with orion and pete. it was a blizzardy white out up at the ridge where we turned around. there was a guy coming down from the top and he was wearing crampons and told us it was sketchy. i thoroughly enjoyed being out on a trail in the snow moving my body. i needed it badly. afterward, angie and i met up with our friends john and diana for lunch at the blue nile. have you eaten there? if you haven't, you should go. it was fantastic ethiopian food.

for christmas, o and i had plans to get a new rug for our front room and redo the room a bit. obviously o wasn't around for christmas and it didn't happen. but, i was really feeling like it was something we had discussed and planned and i was wanting to carry it out. so i did. angie and i went to west elm monday afternoon and i found a rug that would work plus pillows and lamps. there is just one other light in that room that i need to replace because o hated it. the room looks really pretty. it feels good to have it be different, but the same. if that makes any sense. 

there was a night during the last week in december that orion, o's brother justin and i drove down to hike to the diamond fork hot pots late at night. the gate to the road was closed so we ended up hiking 12 or 13 miles round trip on the snow. the temps were in the 20's that night, so it was mighty chilly stripping down to get into the water! we soaked under the stars for a long time before we hiked back. i was feeling really really sad that night and i definitely felt a certain loneliness out in the cold under the big starry sky. i was probably a little grouchy and o was probably laughing at me and walking next to me wishing i wasn't sad. by the time orion dropped me home, it was about 3 am. eek! it's just one of those things that i will remember forever though, because of the way i was feeling and it was so so beautiful that night.

one of my friends brought me a few drinks from vive juicery while i was sick and i have been back twice since then for the nut milks. i can't get enough of them. the cacao bliss! you rinse the bottles and take them back for a 25 cent credit per bottle toward your next purchase. 

we set off bottle rockets under the full moon on christmas night up at the cabin. we put on our snowshoes and hiked onto the side of the mountain. it was kind of magical and i'm pretty sure it was no coincidence that there was a full moon on christmas day this year.

there continues to be an endless flow of kind acts sent my way. i couldn't live without them. thank you. you know who you are.

the evening of the day of o's funeral, my neighbors stealthily set up luminary's all the way down both sidewalks on our street and made a big o on our front lawn and lit them up and then came and got me. it was so thoughtful and so special to me. i will remember it always.

i donated as much of my owen as i could when he died. his corneas, heart valves, large bones, large vessels, skin...it is a very strange thing to think about, but i do look forward to finding out how those pieces of him help someone else.

i smell his stuff a lot. t-shirts and jackets. and look at pictures of him a lot. i cry when i get in bed at night. every night. and i cry on my way home from work. i can't focus or concentrate. i have been misplacing things and it frustrates the hell out of me. i had the worst night of my life the day he died. i went to bed and the final pieces of my world as i knew it came crashing down. i never slept. i sent lehua a text at 3 in the morning to see if she was awake. i walked to the window and it was glowing outside and the snow was falling and piling up on the ground. a little present from o i think. i put my slippers and my coat on and walked next door and lehua and i sat in front of the fire and drank tea for a few hours. the next day we went to the mortuary and got everything arranged. i don't even know if i was actually there? i mean, obviously i was, but not mentally. when i walked into the room the day of his funeral and saw the casket and came to the realization that he was in it, i lost it. that was unbelievable to me. i still can't believe he isn't coming back. i want to be held and touched...


"Find it in you, raise your eyes
Look beyond the place you stand
Towards the furthest reaches
And to the smallest of things

The sound you are hearing
Is the symphony of what we are
Revelation will not come
With heart and mind closed and divided

No need of sun to light the way
Across the ages, we have reigned as we endured
Through the storm fronts we will ever surely pass
To stand as never ending light

Throw away the mantle
Awake from your uncertain hesitation
No way to describe or equate the feeling
No end to what is at your command

A million thoughts run through you
Concentric circles, ever greater
But you have always known
This is not all there is
To your questions there'll be answers

No need of sun to light the way
Across the ages, we have reigned as we endured
Through the storm fronts we will ever surely pass
To stand as never ending light

Let there be, let there always be
Never ending light
"

vnv nation // perpetual


i hope your weekend is ______________. you choose.

xo,

cyr


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