it's friday again.
i sent in an application to the big brother big sister program this week to be a community mentor! i feel nervous, but excited about it. it feels like a big commitment. but i really want to do more good in the world than i am doing now. i want to spread positivity(is that word?) and build the people around me up. if i have talents, i want to share them better. i want to do less breaking myself or others down. there are too many hurtful things in this world and i want to be a direct contributor to making society better and i think that even helping one child have a better life experience can do that. i am thinking of these things a lot lately. i will be praying that the person finding my match will be inspired. i want children badly, but that is not going to happen. so, there are other opportunities to be a mother in a way.
i received a small reward and recognition at work today for my work imaging the babies in the nicu units. i also received a nice thank you card in the mail at home full of nice compliments for the same. this feels good. i want to make other people feel this way. i will do better at dishing out nice compliments when i am thinking them. i think them constantly, but don't give them as freely. i bet we all do that.
i am so happy for anna frost! she is so inspiring and it is nice to see her back on her a game. you go girl! and also, a total bummer that emelie forsberg was hurt. xo to her.
i am finding out that it is key to my mental and physical well being that i make it to yoga class as close to every time as possible even if the weather is awesome. when the weather is awesome, i am outside. i will hit the trail instead of going to yoga class. i do some yoga at home every day, but i need that hour long intensity and focus that the instructor and the setting brings to the practice. i need that hour of focusing my mind and breathing. it is so important to me.
i don't feel good. i never ever feel good. it's my stomach. no it's my mouth clear to my butt. i can't stand it any more. i cry myself to sleep quietly at night because my intestines and my stomach hurt so incredibly bad. i put on a good front, but i am miserable. i don't like to complain. people have worse problems that this. i get sores in my mouth, food gets stuck in my throat, my stomach is swollen and painful, my intestines scream and feel like they are being stabbed at constantly, i can eat a morsel of food and look and feel like i ate a thanksgiving feast, and don't even get me started on the pooping part. i mean, holy shit. i don't eat wheat, i don't eat dairy, i don't eat nuts, i don't eat soy, i don't eat shell fish, i don't drink alcohol, i do eat organic whole foods that i prepare at home. i take probiotics. i very rarely eat out and only quality, healthful foods. i have cut back on my intake of insoluble fiber and mixing too many vegetables at once and cooking them thoroughly to see if it will help. no. i worry about eating at meetings or functions and sometimes i worry about making it to the bathroom in time. sometimes i have to run to the bathroom upon waking in the morning. but, i never stop trying to figure it out. i work through it. i do what i enjoy anyway. i exercise every single day. most the time twice. i know if i stop it would be worse. i do not want to go to one more bloody doctor or be poked, cut or tested one more bloody time. so, i will make an appointment. i wonder if steroids would help? i do not know what to do. i literally cannot stand the thought of doing the elemental diet again, but i feel like it may be getting to this point. i know some of you have these problems, you are not the only one! i promise!
oh my. sorry about that. life is not all grand for anyone even it appears that way.
my nephew, peter, turned 1! i don't even know him:( i will be seeing him in july though!
o and i have plans to visit great basin national park next weekend and i am looking forward to it!
a while back lehua gave me a pretty jar full of hand written notes saying nice things about me. it is one of the nicest things i have ever received and i keep out where i can see it all the time.
my friend aimee leaves me surprise bags of nice clothing at my house. i know, right?!
mel brings me nice treats to work that she knows i can eat.
my mom made a donation to the huntsman cancer institute in honor of me.
my friend christine let me borrow her car to drive to one of my treatments on a stormy morning when o needed the car.
i could go on and on. thank you for all of these nice things and i am sorry for the pains and struggles in your own lives.
this weekend we will be giving hedgy his annual trim. i so love and hate that stupid hedge that makes my back yard a secret garden. thank heavens it will be warm and sunny:)
xo lovers and stay positive or even have a break down and scream and then get back on track,