Friday, May 16, 2014

friday//spread the positive to yourself and others//and sometimes there is misery too

it's friday again.

i sent in an application to the big brother big sister program this week to be a community mentor! i feel nervous, but excited about it. it feels like a big commitment. but i really want to do more good in the world than i am doing now. i want to spread positivity(is that word?) and build the people around me up. if i have talents, i want to share them better. i want to do less breaking myself or others down. there are too many hurtful things in this world and i want to be a direct contributor to making society better and i think that even helping one child have a better life experience can do that. i am thinking of these things a lot lately. i will be praying that the person finding my match will be inspired. i want children badly, but that is not going to happen. so, there are other opportunities to be a mother in a way.

i received a small reward and recognition at work today for my work imaging the babies in the nicu units. i also received a nice thank you card in the mail at home full of nice compliments for the same. this feels good. i want to make other people feel this way. i will do better at dishing out nice compliments when i am thinking them. i think them constantly, but don't give them as freely. i bet we all do that.

i am so happy for anna frost! she is so inspiring and it is nice to see her back on her a game. you go girl! and also, a total bummer that emelie forsberg was hurt. xo to her.

i am finding out that it is key to my mental and physical well being that i make it to yoga class as close to every time as possible even if the weather is awesome. when the weather is awesome, i am outside. i will hit the trail instead of going to yoga class. i do some yoga at home every day, but i need that hour long intensity and focus that the instructor and the setting brings to the practice. i need that hour of focusing my mind and breathing. it is so important to me.

i don't feel good. i never ever feel good. it's my stomach. no it's my mouth clear to my butt. i can't stand it any more. i cry myself to sleep quietly at night because my intestines and my stomach hurt so incredibly bad. i put on a good front, but i am miserable. i don't like to complain. people have worse problems that this. i get sores in my mouth, food gets stuck in my throat, my stomach is swollen and painful, my intestines scream and feel like they are being stabbed at constantly, i can eat a morsel of food and look and feel like i ate a thanksgiving feast, and don't even get me started on the pooping part. i mean, holy shit. i don't eat wheat, i don't eat dairy, i don't eat nuts, i don't eat soy, i don't eat shell fish, i don't drink alcohol, i do eat organic whole foods that i prepare at home. i take probiotics. i very rarely eat out and only quality, healthful foods. i have cut back on my intake of insoluble fiber and mixing too many vegetables at once and cooking them thoroughly to see if it will help. no. i worry about eating at meetings or functions and sometimes i worry about making it to the bathroom in time. sometimes i have to run to the bathroom upon waking in the morning. but, i never stop trying to figure it out. i work through it. i do what i enjoy anyway. i exercise every single day. most the time twice. i know if i stop it would be worse. i do not want to go to one more bloody doctor or be poked, cut or tested one more bloody time. so, i will make an appointment. i wonder if steroids would help? i do not know what to do. i literally cannot stand the thought of doing the elemental diet again, but i feel like it may be getting to this point.  i know some of you have these problems, you are not the only one! i promise!

oh my. sorry about that. life is not all grand for anyone even it appears that way.

my nephew, peter, turned 1! i don't even know him:( i will be seeing him in july though!

o and i have plans to visit great basin national park next weekend and i am looking forward to it!

a while back lehua gave me a pretty jar full of hand written notes saying nice things about me. it is one of the nicest things i have ever received and i keep out where i can see it all the time.

my friend aimee leaves me surprise bags of nice clothing at my house. i know, right?!

mel brings me nice treats to work that she knows i can eat.

my mom made a donation to the huntsman cancer institute in honor of me.

my friend christine let me borrow her car to drive to one of my treatments on a stormy morning when o needed the car.

i could go on and on. thank you for all of these nice things and i am sorry for the pains and struggles in your own lives.

this weekend we will be giving hedgy his annual trim. i so love and hate that stupid hedge that makes my back yard a secret garden. thank heavens it will be warm and sunny:)

xo lovers and stay positive or even have a break down and scream and then get back on track,



  1. That was sad but inspiring at the same time. My heart breaks for you and your want for children and what an amazing mother you would be and your bodily misery despite how amazingly you take care of it, but it rejoices that you carry on and find good and find joy all around you and that you want to spread more goodness to the world around you. Thank you for sharing all that and I am so glad you have such good friends and only wish I was there too and did more nice things for my family and friends. I am going to use that jar of hand written nice notes idea... xo

  2. You will be an amazing mentor, that will be one lucky kid. I am glad you are doing this, totally awesome!

  3. Oh Cyrie, what a beautiful person you are!