heavy stuff

today is the first day in a couple of years that i feel hopeful about my life.  when i woke up the hope forced through the fog of despair i've been in and i felt lighter.  i am still very sad and am not finished facing the music so to speak, but i think i am going to get better now.  

i would like to make a lot of changes to a lot of things.  one of the superficial things being this mop of red hair on my head.  i think it needs a good chop and i think there is something about changing the way you look to help you feel new and free.  you know, i have been a blond before?  it could happen again.

  

the nervousness is building inside me a tiny bit about my upcoming doctor appointment.  i'm not sure why.  it will be ok.  even if there are more areas to treat.  even if we have to move to a different treatment.  i can handle it.  i just want her to say.  it worked!  everything looks great.  i guess i am just a little worried she won't.  my friend's mother passed away from the same kind of lymphoma that i have.  she got a b cell lymphoma from it.  i tell myself i am young and fit and take good care of my body and i will be fine!!!  i will.

my friend jer lost her husband last week.  it is completely devastating and puts things into quick perspective.  i went to the viewing on tuesday night and the funeral on wednesday.  she was strong.  and so were her boys.  i stood in line at the viewing with friends from price and we reminisced about the good ole days while we waited an hour and half to have our turn to mug on jeri and tell her how we love her.

jer, love ya girl.  you are amazing and i am here for you.  whatever you need.  you are an amazing woman!

i can't tell you how glad i am that monday is a holiday.  i have serious running miles to put in and workouts to do.  race day is closing in fast.  too fast.  i hope my lungs survive all this crappy air i have been running in ;'-( and i don't know if i am replenishing my calories as good as i should.  my body has to work a lot harder on my runs in this cold weather.  my brother in law brad said it was 9 below on one of his runs this week in taos.  that is butt puckering cold.

i am looking forward to the university of utah gymnastics meet tomorrow and o is taking our nephew to the jazz game.  i have a sick friend i want to cook for and take a little something special to.  i am looking forward to dinner with my favorite people next door tonight.  i hope for a massage and some warmer running tights and maybe this cool little patagonia pack i have had my eye on.  o is taking me to the desert on monday.  i need to go to the desert and i am excited about it.

i sincerely hope the universe gives you a happy weekend.

xo lovers,

cyr