Tuesday, February 2, 2016

keep on keepin on

i have been thinking a lot about whether or not i told o enough that i loved him. not just that i loved him, but did i tell him enough how i felt about him and why. did i tell him enough of the good things i thought of him? did he know how i felt? did i complement him when i thought of those things? not only have i been thinking about it a lot, but it has been weighing on me heavily and taking over my emotions. on thursday those thoughts and emotions came to a head and i couldn't stand it. i left work quickly and went straight home and had the overwhelming urge to go through one of his drawers. it is one of those drawers that is just full of stuff. his stuff. in the back corner was a stack of cards and notes. all of them from me. some of them from when we were newly married and some of them very very recent. some were written out love notes, some were letters, some homemade cards and some store bought. all of them full of words from me that expressed my love for him. they each built him up and encouraged him in some way. not only that, and this will come as no surprise to you, but they all said something cheeky. if not dirty;) no wonder he liked being married to me and kept me around. it was a very emotional process, but i am so very glad i expressed my feelings to him in that way. i wouldn't have been able to find the comfort i did had i not expressed my love to him through writing more than spoken words. and, well, kuddos to owen for saving every freaking card or note i ever wrote to him;)

i went skiing on saturday with andy, helene and their kids. it was utterly depressing for me. i'm glad i went. it was a snowy, powder day and i was glad to be in the mountains doing something i usually enjoy with people i love. but, i didn't have fun at all. because o should have been there. and i know that is just how some things are going to go for a while.

i went with justin and nathan on saturday night to capitol theater to see ririe-woodberry dance company preform illusions by alwin nickolais. it was fabulous and disturbing. as was the music. the dancers were amazing and i thoroughly enjoyed it. we walked over to zest for a very late dinner afterward and it was delicious as always.

i was able to spend some time with kimberly on saturday and sunday. not under good circumstances unfortunately. i hope she can overcome what she is going through and move forward very soon. i hope i can help her stay positive.

lehua, christine, melinda, marissa, jody and i have been obsessed with putting together puzzles over the last 6 weeks. very therapeutic. we are just about to finish one up that has been our favorite so far. we all worked on it sunday afternoon at my place and we were having some pretty hilarious goings on and laughing hard. it felt good. we had a good late puzzle night at jody's earlier in the week and she made us the best cobb salad ever.

neighbors, friends and family continue to keep me fed. i don't think i have cooked a meal since our anniversary december 6th. it's a very strange place i am in. i have zero desire to cook and if they weren't feeding me, i'm certain i wouldn't eat.

my work outs and runs might be pathetic right now, but they are working wonders for me and i will improve.

the quiet at my house is deafening and lonely. i hate it. i have to have music playing or a movie going at all times.

these are some photos from when ang and i went up mount olympus. i had on a sweet getup. my snowshoes were strapped to my pack with a bike tube(thanks pete) and i am wearing gators from like 1972(thanks emmett)! angie kept falling down toward the top and i was laughing at her and pushing her. sisters.

oh, and i went to the utes gymnastic meet against oregon a couple of weekends ago with ang and my friend heidi and olivia:)

go utes!

anyway, that's enough for now.



 ps i am excited to see the new cohen brothers movie. hail, ceaser!

place holder | a song

chvrches // down side of me

toodles for now.



Friday, January 22, 2016

a few things + a song

i became sick after o passed away. it started as a sore throat, then a head cold and then it took up residence in my lungs and stayed for a long time. i went back to work on monday, january 4th and by wednesday afternoon i was really getting worse and my voice was gone. i couldn't swallow or stop coughing.  i missed worked that thrusday and friday and then i woke in the middle of the night that saturday with some pretty serious ear pain, sinus pain and my eyes were painful , goopy and red. ugh! anyway, i missed work monday and tuesday too. i went to my doctor and then to the eye doctor monday morning and ended up with a bad inner ear infection, sinus infection and some inflammation in the front of my eyes. started antibiotics and steroid eye drops. i finish up the antibiotics tomorrow. i'm pretty sure that what could have been a shitty cold, just made a party out of my run down sleep deprived body and decided to stay awhile and invite a few friends for drinks. i still can't hear out of my ear normal and it is buzzing like mad.

i was having a hard time being alone. i would get home from work and just go from room to room aimlessly crying. my mom stayed with me for a few days last week. she took good care of me. she went home saturday morning and my sister angie got here on saturday night. we went out for a bite and saw a movie. she is here with me until sunday. at which time, she will leave and i may self destruct.

my friend julia was visiting from new york city over the weekend for a uveitis conference in park city. we were able to get up there and have lunch with her at zoom. it was really really nice to catch up with her. she is one of my favorites.

i woke up sobbing sunday morning from a sad dream about owen. i couldn't stop crying for a couple of hours. i cried off and on all day and the dream disturbed me deeply. i tried to analyze it too much. it was too sad. i'm so glad angie was there and that i didn't wake up alone.

we went up mount olympus in our yak tracks in the snow monday morning with orion and pete. it was a blizzardy white out up at the ridge where we turned around. there was a guy coming down from the top and he was wearing crampons and told us it was sketchy. i thoroughly enjoyed being out on a trail in the snow moving my body. i needed it badly. afterward, angie and i met up with our friends john and diana for lunch at the blue nile. have you eaten there? if you haven't, you should go. it was fantastic ethiopian food.

for christmas, o and i had plans to get a new rug for our front room and redo the room a bit. obviously o wasn't around for christmas and it didn't happen. but, i was really feeling like it was something we had discussed and planned and i was wanting to carry it out. so i did. angie and i went to west elm monday afternoon and i found a rug that would work plus pillows and lamps. there is just one other light in that room that i need to replace because o hated it. the room looks really pretty. it feels good to have it be different, but the same. if that makes any sense. 

there was a night during the last week in december that orion, o's brother justin and i drove down to hike to the diamond fork hot pots late at night. the gate to the road was closed so we ended up hiking 12 or 13 miles round trip on the snow. the temps were in the 20's that night, so it was mighty chilly stripping down to get into the water! we soaked under the stars for a long time before we hiked back. i was feeling really really sad that night and i definitely felt a certain loneliness out in the cold under the big starry sky. i was probably a little grouchy and o was probably laughing at me and walking next to me wishing i wasn't sad. by the time orion dropped me home, it was about 3 am. eek! it's just one of those things that i will remember forever though, because of the way i was feeling and it was so so beautiful that night.

one of my friends brought me a few drinks from vive juicery while i was sick and i have been back twice since then for the nut milks. i can't get enough of them. the cacao bliss! you rinse the bottles and take them back for a 25 cent credit per bottle toward your next purchase. 

we set off bottle rockets under the full moon on christmas night up at the cabin. we put on our snowshoes and hiked onto the side of the mountain. it was kind of magical and i'm pretty sure it was no coincidence that there was a full moon on christmas day this year.

there continues to be an endless flow of kind acts sent my way. i couldn't live without them. thank you. you know who you are.

the evening of the day of o's funeral, my neighbors stealthily set up luminary's all the way down both sidewalks on our street and made a big o on our front lawn and lit them up and then came and got me. it was so thoughtful and so special to me. i will remember it always.

i donated as much of my owen as i could when he died. his corneas, heart valves, large bones, large vessels, skin...it is a very strange thing to think about, but i do look forward to finding out how those pieces of him help someone else.

i smell his stuff a lot. t-shirts and jackets. and look at pictures of him a lot. i cry when i get in bed at night. every night. and i cry on my way home from work. i can't focus or concentrate. i have been misplacing things and it frustrates the hell out of me. i had the worst night of my life the day he died. i went to bed and the final pieces of my world as i knew it came crashing down. i never slept. i sent lehua a text at 3 in the morning to see if she was awake. i walked to the window and it was glowing outside and the snow was falling and piling up on the ground. a little present from o i think. i put my slippers and my coat on and walked next door and lehua and i sat in front of the fire and drank tea for a few hours. the next day we went to the mortuary and got everything arranged. i don't even know if i was actually there? i mean, obviously i was, but not mentally. when i walked into the room the day of his funeral and saw the casket and came to the realization that he was in it, i lost it. that was unbelievable to me. i still can't believe he isn't coming back. i want to be held and touched...

"Find it in you, raise your eyes
Look beyond the place you stand
Towards the furthest reaches
And to the smallest of things

The sound you are hearing
Is the symphony of what we are
Revelation will not come
With heart and mind closed and divided

No need of sun to light the way
Across the ages, we have reigned as we endured
Through the storm fronts we will ever surely pass
To stand as never ending light

Throw away the mantle
Awake from your uncertain hesitation
No way to describe or equate the feeling
No end to what is at your command

A million thoughts run through you
Concentric circles, ever greater
But you have always known
This is not all there is
To your questions there'll be answers

No need of sun to light the way
Across the ages, we have reigned as we endured
Through the storm fronts we will ever surely pass
To stand as never ending light

Let there be, let there always be
Never ending light

vnv nation // perpetual

i hope your weekend is ______________. you choose.



Friday, January 15, 2016

f r i d a y + some snowy scenes

these photos are from december when my family was here

my mom came up to stay with me for a few days.  i don't function when i am home alone, i just cry. tonight we are making dinner and watching movies. she is heading home in the morning. my sister angie is coming in from new mexico tomorrow to stay with me for a week. thank goodness. it's just what i need right now.

i hope you aren't lonely this weekend.



Friday, January 8, 2016

owen my love

i am so miserable. the sadness seems never ending. it feels heavy. i have been sick with some nasty respiratory infection for the last 3 weeks and it has reached it's worse part the last 3 days. i haven't gotten out of my pajamas today. or brushed my hair or my teeth. i am basically disgusting and i don't even care because i feel like complete crap. i have zero desire to eat food and my throat hurts too bad to swallow any. and i cannot stop coughing.

i went back to work on monday. it was hard. my emotions were bubbling just below the surface and i shed many a tear throughout the day. tuesday i did better. wednesday i was a complete wreck and i was just getting really sick by then. i stayed home thursday and today to try and rest. i am just so run down. i've not been sleeping or eating well and i think my body is just not fighting it off. i wanted to write out a little bit of what happened. this is only a small glimpse into things. some stuff is just way to personal to share, but here is a portion of it...

o died at home on sunday, december 13th from a gunshot wound to the head. he shot himself. i replay the day in my head over and over and over. it has destroyed me. my world has been turned upside down. i couldn't possibly write all the details of the day or everything that had transpired that led him to this point. o suffered greatly from chronic pain and he suffered it privately and without complaint for over 20 years. i am the only one that witnessed the intensity of his suffering. it weighed on me heavily and changed me into a different person. it gradually took all of the things away from him that he enjoyed. skiing, climbing, kayaking, canyoneering, backpacking, mountain biking...all the things we had always done together. he always supported me as i continued to go on adventures without him. and i was always overwhelmed by guilt. he always wanted me to go and do the things i love even though he no longer could.

o was in the hospital for a few days the week of thanksgiving getting some help, but something about his physical health was going very wrong too. he came home and struggled. he couldn't eat or sleep and he was quickly losing a lot of weight. the medication he had been taking for over 15 years to manage his pain starting making him sick each time he took it. i was so scared and emotional. i didn't know what to do for him. i felt completely helpless and it killed me to watch him as he withered away. his pain was out of control and his body was now going through withdrawal. he sought help on saturday night and didn't receive any.

i was home when it happened. he was in the basement. he locked the bathroom door and got into the shower and closed the door. he did that for me. so i wouldn't have to see. i am eternally grateful to my neighbor marv, who came to my rescue, got the door open, confirmed what had happened and made the call to 911. he can't ever erase what he saw from his memory. i am so sorry marv. i love you. thank you for bearing that burden for me. 

the fire department, the police, the ambulance and the homicide unit all came. and as you can imagine all of the neighbors started coming out to see what was going on. marv and karl stayed with me the entire time. once the police were done questioning me the neighbors swooped me over to lehua's while the medical examiner came to take owen away. i was in shock. it was like an out of body experience. i still can't comprehend it. it still doesn't seem real. 

i stayed at lehua's for the remainder of the day as her home filled to the brim with people coming to love me and tell me how sorry they were. lehua was a gracious host and it probably felt overwhelming to her to have so many people in her home, many of whom she didn't know very well. neighbors brought food to feed my family. lehua made phone calls to family i wasn't able to make. she also scheduled the cleaning crew to come and take care of everything so that it was done when i went home to sleep that night. my neighbors took care of literally everything. along with o's family, my family, members of my church and our friends. i could never ever even begin to thank every body for everything they did for me. it is completely overwhelming to think about.

o's uncles and his brothers and my brother cory and my nephews swooped in and tore the basement bathroom out and started putting a new one in immediately. hours and hours of labor and hundreds of dollars worth of supplies. the generosity seems endless. 

my dad made the casket. it is made of walnut and shaped like a coffin. it is beautiful and original and o would have loved it. o's brothers bought a plot at the cemetery right next to their mother. they also made a disc of photos with music. we had fun sifting through old photos for hours and reminiscing. they helped me write the obituary. lehua and my sisters bought the succulents and pots i picked out for the funeral. christine went on a mad search to find the perfect runner that fit my specifications for the top of the casket to set the plants on. my parents covered all of the funeral costs up front without blinking an eye. i will pay them back soon. my family made sure i had a full stocking and presents under the tree for christmas at the cabin. my sisters left their families for a week to be with me and sleep in my bed with me. my fellow church members provided lunch for everyone after the funeral. cory put baseboards in and he and my dad reinstalled a window that was leaking. christine and melinda randomly brought me my favorite foods. christine has been taking me to work in the mornings. lehua has stayed at the house many nights with me because i wasn't ready to be alone. people have given me money that has covered my expenses while o and i haven't been getting paid. lehua took me to my oncology appointment yesterday and then took me to get some groceries because i haven't bought food since the first week in december. mel and justin have visited me and brought me sweet things. my friend julie made a complete dinner for me including dessert and it was all grain and dairy free. and it was all delicious. jeri took me to see a movie and we joked about being widows in our thirties. she gave me good advice. jody and danielle brought a giant box of great snacks from costco for everyone to eat. erika and ethnie brought lunch and breakfast. jolie brought a generous amount of food the day o died. people have sent me letters, pictures, articles and emails that i will cherish forever. paula's daughter made an absolutely beautiful book for people to write in. orion and sheryl hosted the memorial party in their home the night before the funeral. sisters in law made tons of food for it. brad, jeff, o's brothers and the bishop said beautiful things for the funeral service. it was perfect. andy has been so supportive of me and has worked so hard making the bathroom a perfect new place. lehua and christine have basically never left my side. this could go on for days. so, i will stop and just say thank you to every single person for everything you have done for me and for your love for owen.  

i have zero anger toward owen. he is not selfish. he is an amazing man. we were meant to be together and i cannot wait to be with him again when he is just owen with no pain. no limitations. i know his heart and soul and there is no better person in the world than him. he is my eternal companion. i miss him so much it is physically painful. he was so cool. he had a style no one else had. he had great lips. i miss kissing them. i miss his smell. i miss his support and all of his kind words. he always always built me up and told me he was proud of me and that i was the best thing that ever happened to him. he forgave me for things that would be hard to forgive. he even loved me more. he encouraged me and told me i was cute. he loved my freckles and red hair. he told me i had a cute little butt. he was fun in the bedroom. we had good sex. he was a generous lover. i miss how he always asked me if i had a good run when i would come home from my early morning run. i miss his annoying habits. i miss the sound of him pulling into the driveway on his motorcycle. i miss listening to music with him. i miss hearing his anime playing in the basement. i miss his voice of reason. 

our life together was hard. really hard. but, worth it. o made me a better person in every way. i am so glad he is no longer in pain. when his spirit left his body, i feel like it was a giant sigh of relief. like it said, "i'm free." 

i'm having a hard time. so many things going on in my head. so much sadness. thinking about conversations we had or the last time we touched. i didn't get to say goodbye. i didn't get to say goodbye. how do i navigate this life without him? he has been my partner for almost 20 years. over half my life. i am not cyrie. i am cyrie and owen. half of me is gone. it hurts. so much. he died one week after our 18th wedding anniversary.

i dream about him and it seems so real. 

o's family is my family. they check in every day. my neighbors are my family. they do pretty much everything for me. 

this was "our" song

i want to share a quote with you from o's funeral. 

"the most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. these persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and deep loving concern. beautiful people do not just happen." elisabeth kubler-ross

o was a beautiful person. his heart was made of gold. i am so blessed to call him mine.  

i love you owen. your wife forever and ever. i miss you. 



Monday, December 21, 2015


my heart is broken. my husband is gone.

his obituary

thank you to everyone for the love and generosity. i am not ready to share the story here and i don't know when i will be...

toodles for now lovers.



Friday, December 11, 2015

f r i d a y

this week seemed to last for. ev. er.

i used the ham bone and what was left of the ham and made ham hock and bean soup yesterday. it is so good with a big dose of hot sauce in it. i cooked the bone, ham and spices in the crock pot for 12 hours yesterday and added butter beans when i got home from work.

my friend/neighbor, christine, has been out of town all week. so i have been on after bath braid duty each night for her daughter sophie. we have had great conversation;) karl walks her over in her jammies, i brush all the snarls out and put in double french braids and then i walk her home.

last night o and i baby sat our niece hailey. so we had jack and sophie over too. they danced, jumped off furniture, watched a movie and ate popcorn with m&m's. i think it is safe to say they had a good time:)

 i got almost all christmas gifts ordered up this week. feeling much better about the situation.

i am still hoping for at least the rest of december to be white. i want a white christmas. pretty please. the snowflakes in the 7 day forecast keep disappearing.

ant man came in the mail this week! i am looking forward to watching it tonight with a big, hot bowl of soup after i clean my house. yep, i am old.

hope your weekend is cozy and happy.



Tuesday, December 8, 2015

these are a few of my favorite things...

coco lapine // abc mountain print

moorea seal // arc ring

make pie not war // long golden arch necklace

indy brand clothing // 'find home' baggy, oatmeal hooded sweatshirt

robbiemoto // leather wrap wallet in paprika made to fit an iPhone 6 with a case

little lark // 2016 moon phases calendar copper on white

west elm // throw blankets in soot

rare bird // triple chevron necklace

rare bird // mint chalcedony earrings

little lark // solar system tea towels

meander works // gold circle ring

oiselle // lux track pants and these burgen kc tights. yes!

pretty things. but, just things. things aren't important. people are. still fun though:)

i wish i was at home drinking tea and lounging in that big, soft sweatshirt right now!

hope your are having a happy tuesday lovers.



Monday, December 7, 2015


quite honestly, i am having the hardest time with life right now. and i'm disappointed in myself for letting things ruffle me so much. what can i say? i'm not so tough all the time.

o and i had our 18th wedding anniversary yesterday. it was a bit of a bad day and weekend, but my ham turned out beautifully. so there's that. we will be eating ham for while! i will definitely make some ham hock and bean soup. none if it will go to waste. fried eggs and ham are one of my favorites.

the weather was pretty awesome for my trail run saturday. i want it to snow so bad. give me a white christmas please! one of the best feelings in the world is waking up to a fresh blanket of snow with the flakes still coming down. 

i haven't purchased a single christmas gift yet. i've got to get motivated. quick!

hopefully cheeky cyrie will be back soon. for now...



Wednesday, December 2, 2015

life has been

somewhat hellish lately. lots of emotions and stress and work days missed. but, on the upward swing now i hope. christmas decorations are helping. and they say that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. mostly i want to punch the person in the face that said that, even though it is probably true. whatever.

our thanksgiving was pretty rough around the edges, but there were a few highlights and getting the christmas decorations up helped bring some cheer into the house. i had a couple of trail runs and a little hike with the neighbors. we finally ate at current and it was fantastic! can't wait to go back and order off of the dinner menu. we saw the good dinosaur. i played a 5 hour game of phase 10 with the neighbors that was pretty hilarious.

anyway, that's all for now. i hope to get back to my regular posting!



Friday, November 20, 2015

m u s i c

a few tunes i'm diggin these days...

bonobo // the keeper // banks remix

cathedrals // unbound  

grimes // realiti

that's all for now. tgif.



Tuesday, November 17, 2015

las vegas

mel and i went to the aao meeting in las vegas over the weekend to attend classes at the ops meeting. the ops is the professional society that we earn our continuing education credits from to stay current with our imaging certifications. we were part of a funny photo scavenger hunt on friday night. it was silly, but we had fun.

i ran into my boyfriend while there. well, a wax version of him anyway. mel took our engagement photo;)

we ate at a place called yusho on saturday night. it was a fantastic meal. i had the hamachi. mel had the pork belly ramen. we got a couple of appetizers too.

i won twenty bucks on the one dollar slot machine. it bought us 2 waters and one small toasted coconut gelato to share. sad.

we rode a roller coaster.

The end.



a play, food, sex, music | random things

kimberly has been preforming in east highs production of hairspray for the last few days and o and i went to see it last night. that girl can sing! she sang and danced and we loved it. it was so fun to watch her. i am so proud of her! i love being her mentor. so does o.

i made something really tasty last week. even though the photo isn't very appealing.
roasted a butternut squash
browned maple pork sausage
added sage, thyme, garlic, sea salt, pepper, red pepper
sauteed onions and crimini mushrooms into the sausage
cut the squash into large sections and served the meat mixture in side of it
it was sweet, spicy and flavorful
i steamed some kale and actually mixed it into my meat mixture. o hates kale so i didn't mix it into the whole thing. because like i've said before, i am a good wife;)

this little late bloomer in my front yard last week

o and i went and saw the new james bond movie a couple of weekends ago. it was super good.

i'm pretty sure we had the best sex of our lives recently. seems it is getting better with age. is that a real thing?

we are so excited for the holidays!

daughter is coming to concert in salt lake city!!! daughter! i never thought they would come here. o got our tickets already and surprised me early one morning right when i woke up. you should go too because they are fabulous and of course their label is 4ad. let's just go ahead and revisit this amazing song.

we had a dinner (friendsgiving) with a few couples at our friends recently and it was awesome. the food was fantastic and the conversation was the kind that goes on for hours and touches on bits of everything. we had such a great time.

um, toodles for now.