Thursday, December 22, 2016

goings on

ya know. jumping in the middle of the trail run.

i.  heart.  the rock. did i post this already? your welcome.

i burned the shit out of my hand making honeycomb. ouch.

been baking my brains out at work.


lovin bill + his he got his first haircut


building shit in my garage with mark and elizabeth.

what else?

pumping iron with jules. we do body pump 3 or 4 days a week with grit one of the days and yoga one of the days. every time i go running my leg is in pain.

a little christmas shopping at local boutiques

danced my heart out as a plus one at the moran christmas party with my friends

dinner with uncle hal and aunt sharon. and becca and nick and the twins.

mani with mom and jules this morning. our nails our now christmas ready.

wrangling kids non stop

and a puppy.



1 year

december 13th was the anniversary of o's death. it was a full moon. i cannot believe i have lived a year on this earth without him. i realize with him gone just how deep my love for him is.

i remember vividly some of the things that happened that day. his dilated pupils. the lack of light or life in his face and eyes. his pacing. how i was curled up in a ball on the bed crying. how he came up and leaned his head in the door way and told me he loved me for the last time. "i love you", were the last words owen spoke to me. hearing the piercing sound of the gun going off. trying desperately to open the bathroom door. screaming and crying and slamming my body into it. not being able to breath. standing in the middle of my front lawn with my head in my hands in shock not able to call 911. the sirens. seeing the shadow of his body behind the shower door when marv kicked the door in. the paramedics and other crew in my basement. i could hear them laughing and talking like it was just a normal day. their laughter. i still can't get over it. laying alone in the bed that night. the crushing feeling. the blessing my dad gave me. the glow outside. the snow. my walk over to lehua's in the middle of the night...

all of the neighbors had a dinner at the himalayan kitchen in honor of the day. they made tributes to me and to o and it was the best part of my day and a highlight of my year. they are my family and i love them with my whole heart. i would not have survived the last year without them. god put me at this address for a reason. and they are it. 

it is so hard to wrap my head around leaving him behind.

my life is different now. i am making as much progress as i can. i am certainly functioning a lot better than i was. i am doing the best i know how. it's been a year of change. a year of making decisions by myself that i wanted to make with him. a year of loneliness. a year of people loving me and supporting me. a year of my sisters being my very best friends in the entire world. a year of severe downs. a year of crying. a year of not being able to cry at the "appropriate" times. a year of going places and doing things. a year with silver linings. 

a year i survived. i'm hoping it will be the hardest year i will have to experience in my life. 

begin again

toodles for now lovers.




we worked on getting the house all sparkly for christmas

we spent 2+ hours cutting the burned out lights on my pre lit tree. then said curse words. then strung new ones.

we spent time with the cousins we haven't seen in ages.

we used our mad skills in the kitchen to make a small feast and take five thousand and one selfies.

we took the kids to see trolls. it is literally the worst movie ever made. physically painful to sit through. but, the kids liked it.

felt lots of sad feeling about where o and i were at during thanksgiving last year. hard times filled with pain and fear.

spent time feeling grateful to be surrounded with the love of these family members living in my house and knowing o isn't in pain.

and, i don't remember everything else. i hope your thanksgiving was a good one...



h a l l o w e e n

better late than never. i am not one of those people who can concentrate with utter chaos around them, so i have to wait for those rare occasions when bill and i are the only ones home to write on my blog! i miss it and it isn't as easy to write about things so long after they happen. i forget all the little details of the days that made them special.

anyway, halloween in pictures...

i love halloween! we had so much fun doing the girls makeup for their witch costumes. we had fun doing our own makeup too. we went trick or treating with all the neighbors. can you believe my friend christine made that minecraft costume for her son jack!? amazing!

also, micah had a birthday party. i'm pretty sure fun was had.