Monday, August 29, 2016

place holder // music

i love music. a lot. i always have. it was a huge part of my world with o. we even had playlists made specifically for our sexy time:) that's what the playlist file was named. sexy time. gosh, that's beside the point.

 emika. i can't stop listening. i dig it. she is fabulous. a little reminiscent of portishead in a way.

anyway, i have so much to tell you and so many pictures to post. i had a fantastic time going from great basin, to taos, to santa fe, to clovis, to texas...

plus, i turned 38! crikey!

hope you are having a good start to your week lovers.



Wednesday, August 10, 2016

moving on

tomorrow will be my last day working as an ophthalmic imager at the moran eye center. it was with much toiling that i came to this decision. it is very scary to leave a stable career with a good income and benefits.

i've known for a while that i needed a change and then i realized just how much when my supervisor came to my desk and sat down one night after work and asked me how i was doing. i told him the truth. i told him that i wasn't doing good. not good at all. i told him how unhappy i was and that the only reason i was still here is because i have to have health insurance. i told him how i struggle to be here and even when i am here, my head is elsewhere. i told him i fight to barely keep it together and keep my emotions below the surface. i told him how i can't focus and it is hard to carry out the tasks i am supposed to. we talked about cutting back my hours...

i went home sobbing. i had to talk through everything going on in my head, my reasoning and the decision i knew i had to make out loud. i had a conversation with a couple of people that i fully trust to give me sound feedback. the decision was made.

i called my parents and told them i was giving my notice the next day. and i did. and i felt a weight lifted immediately. i had to follow my heart.

i have to make some changes in my routine. my schedule. my life. to make it different than it was before. this is where i need to start. i'm hoping it will open me up for new opportunities and the ability to change my psyche a bit. i'm scared and sad and so glad all at the same time.

some goodbyes are so very very hard.

angie and brad arrive tomorrow. the three of us are heading to great basin national park for a few days. then i am heading to new mexico for a couple of weeks. when i get back, i will head to flaming gorge with my neighbors. by then a month will have passed...

i have to figure out health insurance and what i want to do for income. and, i will be preparing my house for the arrival of my sister jules and the kids who will stay for 6 months. and then...

i guess we will find out when the time comes. i will be living in the moment. and posting all about it right here if you want to join me on my journey.

my eyes are tired of crying. i see lightening outside my window. good nite. sweet dreams lovers.

sea of stars



Friday, July 29, 2016

f r i d a y + a song

grimes // go

things have been ridiculously hard for me the past few weeks. i had another night mare about 3 weeks ago about owen and woke up sobbing and i do NOT move on from that quickly. i will tell you that i wish to go to sleep at night and not wake up in the morning many, many, many nights. the pain and sadness are so intense and seem too heavy to bear. i don't feel like this is likely abnormal at this point. who's to say what's normal? i feel i've made some backwards progress lately for sure, but there really isn't much i can do about that that i'm not already doing.

i had terrible dreams last night. not about o. just really bad dreams. i was running and running and running to get away from people that wanted to hurt me and i was scared and in a scary place and couldn't get away. i kept waking up panting and sweating with no one to turn to. that is not a good feeling. if you want to put a positive spin on it, at least i can run in my dreams. and i was running fast and hopping fences. but, seriously...i came this close to making one of my neighbors come over in the middle of the night to stay with me.

right, so i am supposed to be in a boot or air cast and on crutches all the time for a month and then we reassess. what's going on? same shit different day. distal medial tibial stress syndrome with persistent intramedullary edema and frank fracture at this point. that part is good. this left leg of mine is the bane of my existence! i'm not even allowed to ride my bike for a bit. pretty much pool time only + some strength training. you know, if i have to give up running, fine. as long as i can go up and down big mountains i can be happy. 

i spent the long weekend at the cabin. kara, quinn and trevor came from st george and my parents were there. the weather was so perfect. we got together with kara's friends from colorado who were up at their cabin too. we went paddle boarding and kayaking. i just did the paddle boarding on my knees. we played some really fun games. watched some movies. there were horse shoes and bad mitten. starry skies and marshmallow roasting and s'more.

my friend jake and i went to dinner at provisions recently. it was fantastic. all of it. afterward we went and saw ghost busters and it was highly entertaining. it was a much needed good night and very cathartic to reminisce about o.

a while back justin and i grabbed dinner at sage's and went to hear toad the wet sprocket play. we had a good time. i had the kimchi tacos and they were delicious. although, the service and amount of waiting were way below par. i would venture to say the waiter was rude.

i finally made a big, scary life changing decision this week. it feels as if a 20 pound weight has been removed from around my neck. we will talk about that a bit later when it is made official. i am hoping it is a good decision and will help on my road to getting my mind right again.

a couple of weeks ago i was asked to be a leader of the youth girls in my church. crikey. i hope i am up for the challenge. they will have to be very patient with me and may second guess that decision!

i continue to be amazed at the patience people have with me right now. i'm not so patient with myself and get frustrated very easily.

angie is coming into town august 11th and we are heading with the camper to great basin national park for the weekend! she has never been. i am looking forward to it with muchness. hopefully it will really help me feel less depressed. and i hope the doctor will give me the okay to hike that weekend with my air cast on. fingers crossed. she is bringing the very best smoked salmon i have ever tasted from taos to take with us:)

my parents came up last night. my dad is working on some project around my house for the weekend. i am so thankful.

i talked quinn into playing bad mitten in his cowboy boots. turns out, those are some impressive boots.

my 20 year high school reunion is this weekend. i'm not attending. can't do it.

hope your weekend has some real good stuff in it. toodles for now.



Thursday, July 14, 2016

blah blah blah

i feel so meh. it's pretty exhausting to always have such a roller coaster of emotions. sometimes it is surprising to me what sets me off and i never know what i'm going to get when i wake up in the morning. i haven't wanted to be home almost at all this week. i get home from work and change my clothes and run right back out the door and don't return until after dark. i've been spending more time in the pool at steiner and on my road bike. vic has been teaching me some killer pool workouts. 

it's hard to organize or manage my thought processes. it's very strange. over the weekend i found myself screaming and swearing and crying out frustration with my thoughts and inability to function the way i wanted to. i try to stay positive and when the happy times come, i ride em like a wave and it feels so good. 

it's really really really really really hard not to have a lover. i hate it.

i got to see kimberly over the weekend. we went and saw secret life of pets. it was really cute and it was so nice to catch up with kimberly. 

i also got to hang out with cory and kara saturday afternoon. it was fun even though the music was the worst;). nostalgic though. they stayed over and went home sunday morning.

put my buffalo print in the front room and finally hung up my dream catcher. 

and, i have a rover trailer parked in my driveway! you guys, it is so cool. you should buy one! remember my little brother makes them. i need to start doing some weekend get away planning. angie is coming in august and we are taking it to great basin national park. 

i can't wait to see the new ghostbusters movie!

well, guess that's all for now. be nice.



Friday, July 8, 2016

f r i d a y + weekend scenes from taos = picture overload!

here's the play by play...

front and center is thrash, our new friend

i arrived in taos early afternoon on friday starving. so angie, brad and i headed to el gamal for some curry, falafel, hummus and such. it was delicious. we met up with the boys and went to pick a few movies for the weekend at the video store and headed back to the house to hang for the night.

saturday morning angie and i baked. then we headed out and trail ran the devisadero loop. it was pouring rain and the sky was dark when we left the house. once we hit the trail the sun came out full blast and we got sunburned! then we met up with happy and tze to talk shop and check out the new building set up for the mountain bike shop, gearing up.  saturday evening we all attended the gallery opening for taos print shop where angie works. there was an awesome turnout! afterward, we walked with the kiddos and friends over to la cueva for some dinner out on the patio. then angie and i ditched everyone and went to see central intelligence at the theater. because, i can't miss a movie with the rock in it! and we laughed pretty hard;)

sunday tze had organized a 13 mile group run/ride on the south boundary trail. we left the kids with a sitter and headed out. angie and tze mountain biked and the rest of us ran. actually, tze picked up a 20 year old kid named thrash on a mountain bike on the trail before we started off and he jumped right in a joined us. he was pretty entertaining. i forgot my air cast and the last 3 miles were quite painful for my stupid leg. we had such a fun time. after we did the shuttle and tze tried to kill us with his crazy driving, we headed to taos ale house for some grub. then we just chilled at home, eating popcorn and watching the olympic trials.

monday we went for breakfast at taos diner. they make these huge, fluffy gluten free pancakes! after we were stuffed, we headed up to hike on the columbine trail. it was beautiful and the boys were in and out of the creek the whole time. then we went into red river to the fudge shop for a treat. they make those cinnamon roasted pecans, almonds and cashews that smell and taste so freaking good. it is such a charming little place. when we headed home, we barbecued, played cards and did some fireworks. angies house is up on a hill overlooking taos, so we had a great view of the city firework show from the front porch!

i got up at the crack of dawn tuesday morning and headed home. i always get so so sad on my way home. when i pull into my driveway, i just loose my shit and sob and go into my empty house where my lover is not there to greet me;( gosh, it hasn't gotten any easier. i've been pretty down the last few days. so, i have been keeping overly busy and today i am dragging my ass around and my leg is more painful than ever. grrrrrrr.  whatever, it's friday and that means the weekend is coming.

see you in august new mexico...

have a sexy weekend lovers!



Thursday, June 30, 2016

random tidbits

i cannot get enough of these kevita sparkling probiotic drinks! i drink one every day. they are delicious and refreshing and low calorie. i think my favorite flavor so far is the  strawberry acai coconut, but i like every single one i have tried so far.

i bought a couple tickets for the phantogram concert in october. i really like their last album a lot.

i bought this belt buckle when i was in taos last time. it was made by a local artist. i finally took it to the village cobbler and had him put it on a belt for me. i love it!

my garmin kicked the bucket. my new one should arrive this week. when i was going up pfeifferhorn over the weekend, i kept smelling owen. and i was thinking, what the what?! then i realized that it was his watch band! i was wearing his watch and the band smelled just like him.

i got these new lamps for my front room back in the winter time and never posted this picture. they look pretty with the dusty rose pillows.

you know how my sister jules has a husband who is a dentist/orthodontist for the air force? well, he is being deployed to the middle east in october for 6 months. we are working on plans to live together during that time. this will be so good for me. i can't believe i get to be with one of my sisters and nieces and nephew for 6 months! what a blessing. and who am i kidding, what a big adjustment!?

i am hitting the road to taos! i will be there for several days and i am super excited! plus, i finally get to bring home my buffalo print;)

the relationships with the people you love are the most important thing in the world. along with how you treat people you don't know. be kind. be forgiving. give people the benefit of the doubt. and most of all, love and except people just as they are.

toodles for now lovers. have a happy and adventurous weekend. eat chocolate. have sex. climb a mountain.



Tuesday, June 28, 2016

sushi + pfeifferhorn = weekend scenes


picture overload;) i look like i got a gut in this last photo! he he

i made sushi and nigiri with christine and lehua friday night. yum.

took my friend, julie, up pfeifferhorn on saturday. i love that mountain. it was her first time up it and she rocked. being the speedy marathoner that she is!

went to a going away party for my friend jim saturday night. he did his residency and retina fellowship at the moran and he is moving onward and upward! he will be missed. he is such a funny and kind dude.

sunday i went to church and got some things done around my house. then i got to have sushi again, with zane beadles.  zane is joey and lehua's nephew. i have spent time with his mom and his brother and sister on several occasions. seeing as how i am the 5th wheel in lehua's family;) anyway, it was fun and he is very nice and down to earth and has the cutest dog i have ever seen and i am jealous.

i am doing my 3rd isagenix cleanse today.

i have been feeling very sad and lonely the past few days. crying myself to sleep. just missing owen so so much. it really is physically painful. it plagues me every day that i didn't get to say goodbye.

anyway, so looking forward to heading back to taos, nm for a few days at the end of the week. looking forward to some trail adventure with happy, tze, brad, angie and who knows who else!

toodles for now lovers.