Wednesday, April 26, 2017
i have been getting tons of trail time in. i get up on the trail every other day early afternoon when i am done baking and on saturdays. in between those days are my gym days for weights. karl meltzer was on the same trail as me a couple of saturdays ago. i went up to mount wire. found that little rock under my foot that looks just like a bear.
love spring blooms.
my brother cory and nephew dylan made a pit stop at my house a few weeks ago on their way to a motorcycle race in idaho. we had brunch at rye. i really like that place.
i planted some new little cactus plants. they replaced some other plants that had died.
the most recent think again study group was about climate change. robert davies came and talked with us.
i had a blissful time saturday going up to lake blanche. lots of snow, cool temps, blue sky and sunshine.
i didn't take any pictures on easter. i went with my friends henry and akbar to get a couple of briskets that akbar seasoned and smoked all night long. i lasted until 2:30 am. ha. i had to be up for 9 am church! the next day we had a big easter feast back at his house. lots of friends. lots of food. i made my white chocolate nutella brownies. the brisket was amazing. delicious... easter was more meaningful for me then ever before this year. that gift is one of the only things that helps me get through thinking of o's body being under the ground. i don't visit his grave very often because it really bothers me to think of him like that.
anyway, toodles for now loves.
i had a little lingerie party at my place for my friends stephanie and reese who are getting married this summer. we had a good/naughty time(i am a good friend;). my sister angie is going to the wedding with me in june. road trip to yosemite!
i started the tattoo back in december the week of our 19th anniversary and the one year mark of his death. they are the same week. i had been having lots of feelings about never wearing my wedding ring again and i was worrying a lot about forgetting owen. and i had also been having lots of feelings about how many times i have been cut and scarred at my oncology visits. i decided i would replace my wedding ring with a tattoo that meant the same thing to me. at the same time, be able to put a permanent mark on my body that i chose to put there. it wasn't imposed upon my in a medical office because, cancer. boy i miss having o at those visits to razz me when i get naked for the audience;)
i don't owe an explanation to anyone. i wanted to tell you about it. i love it. i am glad every time i look at it. my feelings are very complicated and frustrating. i'm just trying to honor what i am feeling and lean into it instead of trying to push it away. i'm trying to figure out who i am and what my purpose is without owen. i know i keep saying it, but it's a hell of a lot harder than it sounds.
i saw my oncologist a couple of weeks ago. i told him about my plans to move to new mexico this summer. he said he doesn't feel good about me transferring my care and wants me to continue coming to huntsman to see him because i am too complicated. so, i will be visiting salt lake a lot. that's okay, i can see my friends and run in my mountains.
so there's that.
Tuesday, April 25, 2017
Wednesday, March 29, 2017
i woke up on march 16th and i had a meltdown. i threw my stuff in a bag, called angie and i got in the car and drove to taos. i stayed there until monday. i slept with angie. we ran. we hiked. we road. we watched movies. we went to yoga with weights and angie taught the class. she has been a rock for me.
i drove home on monday. well, i made it to price and slept at my parents house. i got up early and came back up to salt lake and went straight to work. when i walked in the door to my house on tuesday night...something was gone. it was like the place had physically and spiritually changed. it felt like the wind left my sails. aside from the night owen died, this was the worst of my life. i experienced types of nightmares that i can't tell you. it went on and on all night. my heart raced. i tried and tried to call out, but couldn't find my voice. i was sick and sweaty and every time i woke i was so scared and disoriented. i was in a very dark place and needed rescuing.
the next day i worked and ran errands and whatever. i could not go home. i called my mom. i called my friends jac and blake and went over for some help. then i talked to lehua and she met me outside my house when i pulled up at about 10:00. i went over to joey and lehua's and we had a good long discussion about my feelings and my options and then i slept there.
my friends blake and parker came over and we prayed over my home.
i spend lots of time with mark and elizabeth. they have been such good and supportive friends to me. i eat lots of delicious meals in their home.
i'm feeling the need to move on from here. i'm thinking it's time to sell this beautiful home o and made together. coming home to it every day is like reopening a wound over and over and over. i have to make a different life somewhere else somehow. coming to this realization is the first step. i am scared shit less, but i feel pretty strongly that it's time. i'm just not quite sure where or what yet though. i'm hoping as things start to move ahead and i start to take actions that a path will become clear to me and i will have to courage to take it.
i have to gain some sense of well being again or i am not going to survive this. i feel so horrible physically, mentally and emotionally despite taking care of myself better than anyone. things aren't right inside me and i have been having some new health issues:( bleh.
send me all of your good and positive vibes and your prayers. i gotta get it right. i need to feel happiness and health. i don't understand what i'm doing or where i'm going. i'm trying to be strong, but i'm in shambles on the inside.
i have to hope that i will figure this out and that i will somehow break through the dark and feel free and right again.
step 1: sell my house. i think?
toasted almond coconut cream
these ladies are in high school!!!!!!
this is cherry almond pound cake with a citrus cream cheese frosting
i bake every day. i make macarons non stop.
kimberly had a role in the play sister act at her high school. i'm so glad i was able to go. i loved it.
my friend reese had a birthday. stephanie arranged a surprise dinner for him and it was a much needed reprieve for me that day. i love them. but, 29!? makes me feel like an old lady i turn 39 this summer! crikey. happy birthday reese!!!
the yard is a bloomin. spring.
my brother cory and my nephew dylan stayed over night on their way to and from a motor cross race in idaho last week. it was nice to see them for two seconds. we had breakfast at rye saturday morning before they headed out. it was fantastic. i had the vegan hash. mmmm. cory came in second in his class!