Friday, May 20, 2016

blood and dreams

i had a great weekend up until sunday afternoon when i decided to go through the coat closet and clean out o's coats and jackets. and then, his motorcycle helmets. it was a downward spiral from there.

when my alarm went off tuesday morning at 5:30 for my run, i stayed in bed. my brain was foggy and i felt awful. i stayed there until the last possible minute and then i got up and went to work. by lunch time i felt i didn't have the energy or brain power to walk down the hall. i felt so bad. i went home and got in bed and fell asleep. i was asleep for a couple of hours, but it was torturous. i had a terrible dream the entire time. in my dream i finally realized that it was a dream and that i could wake up from it. i got up and didn't know what to do with myself.

i was standing in the middle of my bedroom crying and having some very dark thoughts when my doorbell rang. in the nick of time.

i went to the door and my friend jody and her little boy franti were there smiling:) franti asked me to come to his house and play. i walked down the street with them and played cars with franti on the living room floor and we went outside and played catch with the football.

you know how there are things that you see that are burned in your brain forever? the day after owen died i went down into my basement and next to sink on the counter by my washer and dryer was a big, dried blood stain. left over from the crew that came and did the cleaning the day he died. i told my parents and they went down and cleaned it up. i will never get that blood stain out of my head.

tuesday night i went to bed early because of how bad i was feeling. i tossed and turned. i dreamt of finding his blood in different places all night long. fresh blood, but he was nowhere to be found. blood on the wool rug in our bedroom. blood in the gutter on a street by my parents house. blood splattered on the wall in our house. it was terrible. i'm always looking for him, but can never find him. and then i have to get up and go to work and try to function normally and interact with patients and keep my emotions in check. i have been in tears 80% of the time this week. and if i'm not crying, i'm right on the verge. i break down over and over and over again.

i don't know what to do. i wish someone could tell me what to do. this week has been too much for me. i am so broken. a lot of days i wish i wouldn't wake up in the morning, just so i wouldn't have to hear all of the thoughts in my mind.

but here i am. i am trying my best.

good nite.



Wednesday, May 11, 2016

R O V E R | T R A I L E R S

my little brother, jordi, started a company called rover trailers. the company is based in st george, utah. jordi is an incredibly talented welder, wood worker and artist and he makes these trailers. they are made tough to go off road into rugged areas where you can't pull a regular camp trailer. check out the specs on the all over rover! the kitchen in the back is so cool. i will be pulling that very trailer home to salt lake from st george in june to use for a while. so if you are interested in checking it out, shoot me an email or message me on instagram or facebook if you are friends with me there. or just leave a comment here on the blog. you can also email my brother. i am going to have some fun with this bad boy!

go get your adventure on!



Thursday, May 5, 2016

new mexico in pictures | lots and lots of pictures

angie and i hiked up to williams lake in taos ski valley one day. it snowed us on us the whole way.

some days i drove the boys to the bus stop in the morning. some days i went to school and picked them up.

we had a particularly snowy saturday while i was there. the boys stayed in the their pajamas all day. the fire was glowing. it was the coziest.

angie and i went and photographed buffalo one day. i really wanted a picture of a buffalo to hang in my front room. now i have one. angie printed it today and is stretching it on canvas tomorrow!

there are endless amounts of bunnies in taos. there was a little dead one smack in the middle of trail one morning when i was running. i remember i was feeling very very sad that day.

i bought some pretty hummingbird jewels:) the hummingbird has a lot of meaning in native american culture.

i love taking pictures. the end.



Tuesday, May 3, 2016

may 3 and 41

h a p p y  b i r t h d a y  o! if you were here, we would celebrate🎉🍰💋 i celebrated for you with the branzino. sea bass was your favorite. and, it was on point tonight.

i'm glad you were born.



Tuesday, April 26, 2016

ojo caliente + wild rivers = sisters weekend

post soak hair do's. i'm the smart one that put a hat on;)

jules came in to taos on friday afternoon and we started a serious sister weekend! we had new mexican food at the kyote club and went and saw the huntsman. saturday we went to the boys pine wood dirby so they could race their cars. after that, we took them to the taos invent event! angie's friend, nina, is the public programs manager at twirl. she is so much fun and so talented and creative!

after we dropped the boys off at home, the three of us headed to ojo caliente to spend the afternoon and evening hiking and soaking in the springs! there are so many pottery and arrowhead remnants there. so beautiful to see. after we hiked, we put our swim suits on and moved from pool to pool. the different pools contain different minerals and are all different temperatures. we soaked for hours and never stopped talking or laughing for a second. it was hard to contain our laughter and keep it to a whisper so they wouldn't have to break out the "sshhhh" signs! it was amazing. i absolutely hate that we don't live close to each other. we stayed until they closed and drove home and stayed up even later and had tea and watched a movie.

sunday afternoon we headed with brad and the boys to wild rivers at the rio grande del norte national monument for a little trail time. brad trail ran up top while the boys road mountain bikes. us gals ran down into the canyon to where the red river and the rio grande river converge. we sat on some volcanic rock right in between the two and put our feet in. we got a couple pictures with the self timer:) then we ran on the trail up the rio grande river until i saw the most perfect spot and it was begging to be skinny dipped in! so, dip the skinny we did! we got naked and jumped in. it was bloody cold and we screamed the whole time! it was invigorating and hilarious. we got dressed and hiked our butts back up out of the canyon. so. much. fun.  the end.

toodles for now lovers.



shooting the moon )

angie and i set up and shot the full moon last week. we had such a fun time. we are planning to edit our images tonight and hopefully get some printed. if either of us got an image that is worthy, we might stretch it onto a canvas. i think i mentioned in a previous post that my sister works at a fine arts print shop with owner, gak stonn, on the plaza here in taos. anyway, neither of us had ever photographed the moon before, but it was on my list of things to do while in new mexico! the sky is endless here.

full moon i swoon!



ps i have seen a coyote, fox, herds of big horn sheep, red tail hawk...on my trail runs. fantastic:)

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

t e n t r o c k s | national monument + santa fe

angie and i took off sunday at noon and headed to santa fe for an overnight trip. santa fe is about an hour south of taos, so its super close. we stayed at the hotel chimayo on the plaza. we had a wood burning fire place in our room. and believe me, we burned every piece of wood because it was chilly! on the way down to santa fe, we stopped and had a late lunch at gabriel's. it was fantastic! we had the conchinta pibil and the carne adovada along with table side made guacamole. yes to all of it! we made another stop along the way which will be a whole other post:)

monday morning we slept in a little, worked out, got dressed and walked over to cafe pasqual's, where we had one of the best breakfasts i have ever tasted, along with some mexican hot chocolate made with almond milk. then we spent the rest of the morning wondering the plaza and finding treasures.

next we headed to tent rocks national monument where we hike through the canyon up to the top. it is such a cool and beautiful place. i was surprised by how narrow it got. the rock formations are amazing. and what a view from the top! it started pouring on us and we ran all the way down. it was so much fun.

we headed back into santa fe because we planned to eat indian food at raaga's. and again, we were not disappointed. it was really really delicious. the atmosphere was warm and charming and the service stellar. paddy rawal greeted us as soon as we walked in and he came to our table while we were eating to make sure we were happy:) it was the perfect way to end our trip... northern new mexico is not lacking in beautiful scenery or good food, that's for sure.

girl time is a must in this life. especially when it is with a sister. we missed you jules! we were wishing you were with us the whole time;( we love you!!!

i was very teary during my trail run this morning. i stood on the cliff next to the gorge and cried my eyes out for o for a long time.

hope your week is going smooth lovers. toodles for now...